When I was first diagnosed with my cancer I responded to the news as if I was an end-of-life patient being told I could die at any moment. That’s how shocking the news was to me. I never thought I could have something as bad as cancer. It was my worst fear come true. And there was no do-over! I couldn’t go back and prevent it. I couldn't do anything to make things go back the way they were before I had cancer. I had no choice but to accept it and move forward, my new normal being a cancer patient facing tons of phone calls, doctor’s appointments, procedures, surgeries, dealing with insurance, pain, medications, radiation, chemotherapy, side effects, and a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself.
The first couple of weeks were a blur as I cried a lot and as the days rolled together, with everyone rallying around me telling me it was going to be ok. But I needed it to be ok in a way that let me feel I had some control over my situation. Within a couple weeks, having met all my doctors and hearing their treatment plans, I felt a lot better being reassured that my kind of cancer was very treatable and curable. Once I learned the logistics of treatment it set my mind at east and allowed me to focus on taking things one step at a time. I stopped looking at the past wishing I had caught the cancer sooner. I stopped looking toward the future for relief and happiness. I started focusing on what I could do at this very moment and realized that that was my do-over!
Instead of putting things off and looking forward to something in the future I was now going to only focus on the present moment and enjoy myself despite the cancer. Lots of things had to be put off because there’s only so many hours in a day. Things I would have spent my time on before the cancer were replaced with details that would help organize my day.
You can’t let yourself all apart in despair when you have to keep your head on straight to make doctor’s appointments, call your insurance company, get prescriptions, go for daily radiation treatment, think about exactly what you’re eating and drinking because your colon isn't working right anymore, and still maintain all your normal daily life needs. When you look at it like that, there’s simply no time to fall apart over it. Just do what needs to be done. And the only way to be at peace with this new normal is to take it one step at a time. And during my free time, I'm consciously choosing the best way to spend my time and my attention. I even choose my words and thoughts carefully. No more taking life for granted. This is my do-over, my chance to still be here and make the most out of it.
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