I'M COMPLETELY FINISHED WITH MY CHEMO!

Catching up on my blog here…

I finished my 11th and final round of chemo on August 12, 2015.  The week prior to that I stopped by to see my oncologist, Dr. Witta, because my feet were so red, swollen, and raw I could barely walk.  I was in constant pain.  He said it's from the Xeloda and he told me to stop the pills and not to start them again even with my last round of IV chemo.  By the way, my last round of chemo was a slightly reduced dose because of how numb my fingers and toes were becoming.

Stopping the Xeloda was wonderful!  My feet started healing pretty quickly, and even with that final round of IV chemo they didn't flare up.  I've since noticed, though, that sometimes I do get flare-ups of just the redness, which is strange now that I'm completely done with chemo.  At the pain is gone.  Sometimes my toes get numb and tingly still.

My hands are back to normal.  No more swelling, redness, numbness, or peeling skin.  And the skin on my feet is back to normal too.  I have really soft skin on my feet now.  I love it.  I've always loved taking good care of my feet, and I hated seeing them so bad.

My hair…I remember when all this began a year ago, Dr. Witta said that I wouldn't lose my hair but that it would get thinner.  And it definitely has done that!  I hate to complain but I'm gonna say it…I MISS MY HAIR!  If you didn't know me you wouldn't notice, but I can really tell that my hair has thinned out.  It used to come down past my shoulders, and it still does a little, but it's only some of the layers that are that long.  What I mean is, some of my hair on the top layer is long and some is short.  Same with the under layers.  So it just doesn't look as nice as it used to.

The shortened hair is because my hair had gotten weak and brittle and was breaking so easily.  At first I stopped running my fingers through my hair because it was pulling hair out.  But then I had to actually stop touching my hair, styling it, and not even putting it up in a pony tail.

My hair got so thin I had to use smaller ponytail holders because there wasn't as much hair to hold up. I read on line some ways to stop further damaging my already-damaged hair, like not to blow dry it anymore and to use different shampoo and conditioner.  So I stopped using my regular hair products, bought shampoo and conditioner that has special oils in it (and smells really good too!).

For the past week I've totally changed my hair routine.  Now I wash my hair every other day.  Gently towel dry.  Put in a leave-in conditioner.  Then a little moisturizer that's supposed to strengthen the hair and help manage curls.  And then I have to just let it dry naturally.  I've noticed that in just a week of doing that that my hair isn't falling out as much and I haven't had any breakage.  Not blow drying stops the frizziness from all those split ends.

Here's a good photo of my hair from March this year:

And here's a photo from August this year:

This is actually a pretty good photo.  Some days my hair is really pathetic.  Maybe it doesn't look like that big of a difference to everyone else, especially if you don't know me, but I can really tell how thin it is.  You could blow on my head to move my hair aside and it'll look like a bald spot :)    So I'm really looking forward to my hair growing long and thick again.  I know, I know, at least I didn't actually lose all my hair.


During my 10th and 11th rounds of chemo I found a better way to cool my sore, red feet.  Instead of soaking in a bucket of cold water I started wearing wet socks.  It worked so much better.  I'd take a pair of sweat socks and soak them in cold water and squeeze out most of it but leaving them pretty drippy wet.  Then just wear my Crocs or water sandals.  It kept my feet cool and wet for a long time, and when the socks started to dry, I'd just wet them again.

You wouldn't believe how incredibly good it felt keeping my feet hydrated and cool constantly.  The medical term for it is palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia.  Some people get it much worse than I did.

It's hard to get a photo that really represents how bad it was but this one shows the outline of the redness and some of the peeling:

There were some times when my feet were extremely red and swollen.  Like I said, I didn't have it as bad as some people, but I can't imagine it being more painful than it was when I could barely walk!

NINTH ROUND OF CHEMO

Note:  Updating again….need to catch my blog up!

July 5, 2015:   A week and a half ago I had my 9th round of chemo.  My doctor said I should only have 2 more and then be finished.  So that will be a total of 11 rounds of chemo.  I’m sure I’ll make it the rest of the way.  One of my fears was that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate all of it, but I’ve done great so far.

The older side effects are lessening in severity, like the cold sensitivity.  It’s not as strong after chemo anymore, and it doesn’t last as long.  Last night I got the kids a frozen strawberry lemonade from McDonald’s and I had a few sips.  No problem with the cold and it felt so good to have something cold again.  It’s really hard to only drink warm water, especially in summer, and especially since I still have hot flashes many times a day.

One of the newer side effects is that my feet react to the chemo now each round.  It used to take about a week for it to kick in, but now it begins just a couple days after chemo.  The bottoms of my feet first start to hurt.  It really hurts to walk.  Then they turn red, red, red!  And then swell.  After a couple days of pain, the pain will taper off and the itching begins.  I’d rather have the pain.  The incessant itching drives me crazy.  It’s hard to fall asleep and it will wake me up in the middle of the night.  Then the peeling starts.

The skin will just start to fall off.  It looks like how peeling from a sunburn looks.  You can just rub and the skin comes off, especially when I’m drying off after my shower.  If my feet get really dry, like if I am barefoot in the house, then the edges of where the skin is peeling is very stiff and not easy to peel, so I continue to use an emery board, rubbing hard, to shave it off.  The skin then falls off easily and a lot.  It’s really gross but I have to do it.  And it feels good too.

I think it must be all the swelling that makes the itching so intense, or maybe it’s just the chemo.  After I get most of the peeling skin off and my skin is smooth, then I put lotion on and then my feet look pretty good.

And finally, the latest trick I’ve learned is to soak my feet in a bucket of cold water.  That was Abby’s idea.  Thanks Abs!  It feels absolutely amazing to do this.  After soaking for about an hour, the swelling, redness, pain, and itching are all gone for about a couple hours or so, especially if I am not on my feet too much.  Plus, it cools my entire body.  I even get goosebumps for a long time afterwards and it feels SO GOOD to be cold for a change.  These hot flashes make me feel sick.  They’re just unbearable.  I might just keep doing the cold water foot-soaks to keep my hot flashes at bay even after I’m done with chemo!  They should invent some kind of water shoe so I can always have my feet in cold water!

My fingers are peeling just as much as they did pre-surgery when I was on the Xeloda, but I protect them now.  Back before my surgery when I was moving out of my house and doing all that cleaning and spackling I wasn’t using any protection.  Now, even cleaning the bathroom I’ll wear those yellow rubber gloves.

Oh, I saw my ophthalmologist the other day and he said my eyes are really very dry from the chemo.  He said I could either use eye drops or he could put plugs in my tear ducts.  But then he said, “But I know you.  You probably won’t even let me get close enough to put plugs in your eyes.”  Yep.

Just like how my body cannot understand that you aren’t supposed to hold your breath while snorkeling, my body also doesn’t understand that my eyes need to be open for the eye doctor to examine them.  I can’t help it!  My eye doc has to use his fingers to hold my eyes open when he puts the thing up close and shines the light in.  You know when they say, “Put your chin here and press your forehead here, and just look straight ahead”, and then you’re looking into this really bright blue light?  That’s when I can hardly keep my eyes open and he uses his fingers to do it for me.  Even then it’s a struggle.  And I think I must look like a fool when he’s putting the eye drops in my eyes because I know I’m blinking like crazy.  Eventually the eye drops get in.  And it’s totally not a conscious thing.  I just can’t help what my eyes are doing.
Many years ago I had a horrible eye doctor.  He just wasn’t a nice person.  He actually yelled at me when I blinked each time he put the puff of air into my eye (which I’m so glad they don’t do anymore).  He told me, “I can’t examine your eyes if you keep blinking!”  I told him I couldn’t help it, and then I stood up and said I want a different doctor, and walked out.

At least my dentist has a sense of humor.  He laughs that he literally has to hold my tongue back from blocking him getting to where he’s trying to work.  I had no idea my tongue was doing that.  And I remember when I had to get a cortisone shot in a finger once.  The doctor kept telling me to hold still, and I said I was, and he said no I wasn’t, and I said I was trying my best, and then he said, “Well I can’t shoot a moving target!”  He was being serious!  Geez, how bad was I shaking that he couldn’t give me the shot??

Ok, that was a long digression.  I opted to do the eye drops myself rather than have him stick plugs in my eyes!  Amazingly I don’t have any problem doing it myself, and I think that’s because I know I’m in control of what’s happening.

I’ve noticed that my hair is thinning a little and it’s getting very dry and kind of seems to have more split ends.  So I started taking Biotin.  I’m sure my hair will improve once I’m finished with the chemo.

Oh, and I do still get physically exhausted pretty easily.  Last week Abby and I played some Frisbee and then badminton and I was really, really sore for a couple days.  We’ve also been out walking 2-3 miles at a time some days.  That’s really overdoing it for me but I know the exercise is good for me.  I thought my “chemo arm” was all healed up but I found out I can’t hold and throw a Frisbee like normal, and I used to be pretty good at Frisbee.

The arm that had the chemo infiltratation used to be so bad that I couldn’t even stretch out my arm having my palm facing up.  My hand could only turn sideways.  I can do it now, so at least it’s improving.  No biggie that I can’t throw a Frisbee anymore.  Life is good.
 

EIGHTH ROUND OF CHEMO

Today is June 12, 2015.   On June 3, I had my eighth round of chemo and it went a lot better.  I asked my nurse about extra IV fluids, so she started me off with that before my chemo.  It took an extra hour and a half to receive it all but it was well worth it!  I felt so much better this time around.  Not as much achy feelings, no headaches, and even my cold sensitivity isn’t quite as bad.  Even the bone pain from my Neulasta shot isn’t as bad this time around.  I’ll definitely ask for extra IV fluids from now on.

My daughter, Abigail, graduated high school last month.  It feels like their school years flew by.  I try to stay as on top of everything in their lives as much as I used to but I sometimes feel too tired to be as involved as I used to be.  And I feel a little guilty for it, but my kids understand and they have been so supportive and encouraging.

These past few months have flown by too and I nearly forgot about getting Abby enrolled at Front Range Community College and getting financial aid but we got it done.  And she’s got her sights set on attending CSU maybe as early as next year.

I’m looking forward to not having to wear an ostomy bag anymore, but that won’t be until my chemo is finished.  If I get all 12 treatments that brings me to the end of August.  I’m used to the bag and I only change the entire apparatus once a week.  I don’t have any trouble with it anymore.  But it’s become so cumbersome, especially with my clothes.  And I can’t wait until I can sleep on my tummy again and turn over in bed naturally without waking up for fear of breaking my bag open!

SEVENTH ROUND OF CHEMO

Chemo round #7 went the same as 6th did, same feelings of body achiness and headaches.  I also wasn’t in the mood for drinking much water the first several days because of the sensitivity to cold. This has made my digestion worse and I feel crampy and bloated often.  My case manager through my insurance suggested that during my next round of chemo I ask for extra IV fluids.

SIXTH ROUND OF CHEMO

My 6th chemo session was April 22, 2015 and was the first where I felt more physically ill, with generalized body aches and a lot of headaches and dizziness.  It’s the headaches that feel the worst. Overall, I’ve been feeling very tired and sluggish the first couple weeks after chemo, and the third week I’m finally feeling back to normal.  But then it’s time for my next round.  I’ve also noticed that I start losing my voice the day of chemo and have hoarseness for a couple days afterward.

I got a new symptom too.  The chemo starts to break out of the blood vessels mostly in the soles of the feet and palms of the hands.  It causes redness, swelling, pain, and itching.  The only symptom on my hands is it causes my thumbs to get red and a bit swollen.  I have most of the symptoms on the bottoms of my feet.  It begins about a week and a half after chemo, where my feet start peeling a lot.  I made the mistake of using an emery board to scrap off the dead skin.  This helped tremendously in getting all the peeling skin off and making my feet smooth again, but I found out it causes too much irritation.  Afterwards my feet began to get extremely red, mottled, swollen, and extremely painful.  It’s hard to walk for a couple days.  Then the pain settles down and the itching begins, and it itches constantly and continuously for about a week.  I’d rather put up with pain than constant itching. Then, just a few days before my next round of chemo my feet go back to normal.

I still consider these minor side effects.  I still have my hair, and I don’t have nausea and vomiting! And hey, it’s not breast cancer so I still have my breasts too!

THIS IS MY DO-OVER!

When I was first diagnosed with my cancer I responded to the news as if I was an end-of-life patient being told I could die at any moment.  That’s how shocking the news was to me.  I never thought I could have something as bad as cancer.  It was my worst fear come true.  And there was no do-over!  I couldn’t go back and prevent it.  I couldn't do anything to make things go back the way they were before I had cancer.  I had no choice but to accept it and move forward, my new normal being a cancer patient facing tons of phone calls, doctor’s appointments, procedures, surgeries, dealing with insurance, pain, medications, radiation, chemotherapy, side effects, and a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself.

The first couple of weeks were a blur as I cried a lot and as the days rolled together, with everyone rallying around me telling me it was going to be ok.  But I needed it to be ok in a way that let me feel I had some control over my situation.  Within a couple weeks, having met all my doctors and hearing their treatment plans, I felt a lot better being reassured that my kind of cancer was very treatable and curable.  Once I learned the logistics of treatment it set my mind at east and allowed me to focus on taking things one step at a time.  I stopped looking at the past wishing I had caught the cancer sooner.  I stopped looking toward the future for relief and happiness.  I started focusing on what I could do at this very moment and realized that that was my do-over!

Instead of putting things off and looking forward to something in the future I was now going to only focus on the present moment and enjoy myself despite the cancer.  Lots of things had to be put off because there’s only so many hours in a day.  Things I would have spent my time on before the cancer were replaced with details that would help organize my day.

You can’t let yourself all apart in despair when you have to keep your head on straight to make doctor’s appointments, call your insurance company, get prescriptions, go for daily radiation treatment, think about exactly what you’re eating and drinking because your colon isn't working right anymore, and still maintain all your normal daily life needs.  When you look at it like that, there’s simply no time to fall apart over it.  Just do what needs to be done.  And the only way to be at peace with this new normal is to take it one step at a time.  And during my free time, I'm consciously choosing the best way to spend my time and my attention.  I even choose my words and thoughts carefully.  No more taking life for granted.  This is my do-over, my chance to still be here and make the most out of it.

FEELING NORMAL AND HAPPY AGAIN

I’m really starting to feel like my old self again.  I’ve been reducing my pain meds and only need to take them occasionally.  I can sleep for several hours at a time now, most nights.  And I’ve been going for long walks.  It’s all helped my mind and brain feel clearer and I can hold my attention on things again.

I’ve started playing computer games again.  I’ve started reading again.  And I’m getting back into my psychic, paranormal, and spiritual practices and studies.  I love to meditate, use hemi-sync, have out of body experiences, and I’m finally starting to get back into all those things.  I even bought some new brainwave entrainment CDs to help me.  With all the stress and constant care and attention on my health lately I can feel my brain probably spends way too much time in beta.  One way to help kick myself out of that is to daydream more, fantasize, and calm my mind and body.  Everything I've been doing has completely taken away my stress and restless nights.