TWO DAYS UNTIL SURGERY!

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Two days before my surgery to remove my colon cancer, or what's left of it.  Here's an update of my symptoms:

1.  That weird vaginal wetness/drainage has stopped.
2.  My fingers are completely back to normal and never crack or peel anymore.
3.  My face has stopped peeling.
4.  My feet and toes are still peeling but not as much now.  I still use the emery board to smooth the top layer, then put on foot cream.  I found a good one I use it a few times a day.  It seems to be working!
4.  The fatigue has lessened and I'm not quite as mentally tired nor clumsy anymore.
5.  The pain is either full on or not there, and comes and goes, but overall it's definitely not as bad as it was before I started chemo and radiation.
6.  My sciatica and foot cramps suddenly cleared up about four days ago.  I just woke up that morning and was back to normal.
7.  The hot flashes (heat waves!) continue, all day, all night.  If I'm already warm, I'll get hotter.  If I move too much, I get hotter.  Being embarrassed can throw me into a hot flash.  Having one of my mental-clogginess and struggling to find my words can throw me into one.  Hot food, spicy food, a racing heartbeat, even turning over in bed.  More and more things are causing me hot flashes.  I seem to now be having hot flashes more often than not having them!  They still wake me several times a night, followed by extreme chills.  Only twice now have I woken up in a sweat.  Glad that doesn't happen with every one of them.
8.  The "vicodin rash", that red itchy spot on my chest, is completely gone.  I knew the cream would work.

On Friday I visited one of the ostomy nurses at the hospital, and she stuck an ostomy bag on my where she thought the best place for my ileostomy would be.  Of course it's in a totally inconvenient spot, but I'm not complaining.  It is what it is.  I'm ok about all of this.

She told me to wear the bag this weekend to become used to it and to see how my clothes fit with it.  It sits right where my waistband goes, so the only real way to wear the bag is to tuck it inside my pants.  But then it rubs on my leg.  So far I'm not used to it, and it's not even in actual use yet!

I've been enjoying eating what I want and when I want it, but today is the last day for that.  It's the middle of the afternoon and I don't plan on eating much of anything the rest of today because tomorrow I have to start the Miralax cleanse for my surgery.

One thing I'm going to miss is salad.  Since moving into Mom's house and using her King Soopers, I discovered her grocery store has a lot more to offer than mine did.  I never did get around to the Chinese food bar, but have enjoyed the olive bar, the soup bar, and the salad bar.  Oh that salad bar!  Yum!  Oh well.

There is only one thing I'm afraid of most of all about surgery in two days.  I'm afraid of coming out of the surgery with a migraine.  I hope that won't happen.  I plan on sipping black coffee or diet soda up until the time I have to stop having anything by mouth the night before surgery.  Surgery is first thing in the morning.  I doubt that when I wake up they'll let me have coffee, but it would be nice if they did!  If they even just let me swish it around in my mouth maybe the caffeine will soak in through my oral mucosa.

And for my final update tonight, the letter from my landlord came.  They actually did deduct the work from my deposit, as I thought they would.  I still don't understand why my landlord stood there telling me they were keeping it.  I guess he just felt like being mean that day.  The letter also claimed that the dishwasher, stove, and freezer were not working and they are therefore charging me $600 for repairs!  Everything was working while I lived there, so it's quite amazing and hard to believe that three major appliances all went kaput the day I moved out.  I won't got into more detail here.  I just thought I'd include it in my updates since I ranted on about it in my last post.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2014

Tomorrow makes it one week until my surgery.  I started having some more strange symptoms yesterday.  First, it started with me having very frequent bowel movements from Friday evening all through Saturday evening.  Normal in every way, just frequent like my body was cleaning me out.  I plan on trying to stay quite empty this week.  No need loading up when I know it'll need to be cleaned out again come next Sunday.

I am not looking forward to doing another round of colon cleansing.  God, I know how starving I'll probably feel when I wake up from my surgery.  I'm almost hoping I'll be in so much pain that I won't even want to eat anything.

Then last night although my sciatica went away, I was still having cramps in my left foot.  Both my legs were very tender to the touch.  I tried massaging it out and doing lunges and stretches, but I'm still so achy.  Could be a little dehydration I suppose.  I'm still trying to remember to drink extra water.

I also had horrible heartburn.

And there's no nice way of saying this.  Gas pains lately have been horrendous.  I could understand if lots of gas was actually coming out but that's not even the case.  Just the pain of it.  It feels like a bowling ball rolling through my intestinal tract!

I forgot to mention on Monday that I got to meet the ostomy nurses at the hospital and even got free samples, all set up by the cancer navigators at the hospital.  I didn't even know we had cancer navigators.  It was all rather serendipitous.  Monday morning Judy, my supervisor, was helping someone lug a bunch of Christmas decorations onto the elevator, and it happened to be someone who works on our floor who is a "cancer navigator".  Judy mentioned me and she gave Judy her card.

So I walked over there Monday to meet them and see what they are all about.  They are there to help you navigate through anything related to your being a cancer patient.  If you need help with scheduling appointments, getting to appointments, understanding things, financial help and whatnot.

Our conversation led to her asking if I wanted to meet the ostomy nurses on the 5th floor who will be caring for me after my surgery.  Sure!  So I got a tour, got to meet and talk with them, pick their brains with all my questions.  They said they never get patients who are so interested and proactive.  I told them it's all I do, sit and think about everything.  The more informed I am, the better I feel.

So that's how I got the ostomy bag samples.  They are a lot cooler than I thought they'd be.  Well, as far as an ostomy bag can be cool.  There will be a ring which sticks to my abdomen and then a bag with an interlocking ring which snaps into place with the other one, ensuring no leaking and no odor.  Good.  Let's hope.  They also are not see-through.  I don't know why anyone would want a see-through ostomy bag.

I've been Googling everything I can about stomas, ostomies, the supplies, how to care for them, what to eat, what not to eat.  The stoma looks really disgusting, like a little creature.  Eeesh!  I am SO GRATEFUL that there are people willing to post photos and videos of their stomas and ostomy bags so that people like me can study how to deal with it and to feel more comfortable about it.  But I don't think I will be one of those people.

Everyone has been saying about my cancer blog that I'm kind of overly detailed and open and very personal about sharing everything I'm going through.  Well heck, I won't blow your mind then with sharing photos and videos of what's coming next week!

Trust me, even I don't want to see it.  And I usually love this kind of stuff.  Maybe I should take a picture of my belly (to keep to myself) so I can remember what my Me looks like now.  Soon there'll be a new Me with a very red creature rearing it's pulsating head out of my tummy.

Think about it....it's your small intestine turned inside out, bulging about an inch out of your abdomen.  If you know me at all, you know I get the major heebie jeebies from all things dismembered or dislocated.  Like contortionists.  I can't stand that.  I can't watch movies like Saw.  Even sword swallowing, tattoos, and body piercings creep me out.  It's just not natural.  Even viral videos of little kids with their first loose tooth getting creatively pulled out just makes me cringe.

There was a horror movie from when my kids were little.  I can't remember the name of it, but this guy could use mental power to detach his hands and then mentally control them to crawl around and break into places or attack women as they slept.  God, I had such nightmares from that.  Abby was just around 2 and unfortunately for her she slept in our bed that night.  In the middle of the night she turned so that the three of us were making an H, with her legs on my legs.

All I know is I suddenly thought something was crawling up my leg.  I reached under the covers and grabbed it, pulled it straight up in the air and yelled, "I got it, I got it!  Kill it before it gets away!"  Yeah, it was bad.  My daughter screamed bloody murder, and rightfully so.  My husband flew out of bed to turn on the lights and yelled, "What in the hell are you doing?" as I stood there on the bed holding our daughter upside down by the ankle.  It was all that stupid horror movie's fault!  I really, really, really get psychologically creeped out by body parts not being in their right place.

To quote Harry's nasty, fat Uncle Vernon, "No post on Sunday!"

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2014

The prescription anti-itch cream is working great so far.  You can barely see the spot that used to be so red, and it doesn't itch anymore.

The foggy-brain, clumsy, absent-minded list so far:

I once walked into the house and started taking everything off, completely not thinking about it.  Standing there by the front door in my undies about to take off my shirt, with Mom looking at me funny, I realized this wasn't right.  I looked at myself and said, "Oh.  I just took my pants off!"  That was weird.

The day after Thanksgiving Abby and I went Geocaching since the weather was so nice.  After two hours with a success of finding 3 of the 4 we attempted, I just suddenly needed to be done.  Unfortunately we still had at least a half mile walk back to the car.  Finally in the car and sitting at a stop light Abby said, "Mom!  Mom!" and hit my arm.  "The car is rolling."  I had no idea I had taken my foot off the brake.  Good thing no one was in front of us.  I somehow didn't notice the landscape sliding past my window!  I must have really been tired although Abby says I was staring straight ahead.

In the ER with David the other night I was trying to distract myself from the cringing thought of being in a place filled with sick people, some wearing masks, and crying babies, and people walking in with blankets and slippers, like they were so sick all they could do was get up off the couch and walk out the door.  Ick.  The last thing I need right now is to catch God only knows what.  I tried to not even think about it.  I looked over at David clutching his garbage bag of spit-up.  Abby was doing her math homework and plugging equations into her smartphone's calculator.  It gave me a neat idea.

I said, "I have a great idea for an app!  Really, I should invent this.  They should have an app where you can put in any math problem and it figures it out for you."  No, I wasn't trying to be funny.  I was totally serious.  I actually thought I had just come up with the greatest idea ever.

David said, "Yeah that is a great idea except they already have one of those.  It's called a calculator."  Wow.  That was probably the dumbest thing I've ever said.

Today at work I walked straight into a wall.  Well I more like stumbled into it from losing my balance after turning around.  This kind of losing my balance happens a lot lately.

I'm also finding that sometimes I can't get all my words out in a neat and tidy order.  I'm usually pretty well spoken, at least able to speak my mind.  Lately I just feel very unconfident when I'm trying to speak.  I hope all this fuzzy-headed stuff goes away.

Still no letter or pick-up notice.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2014

The cramping in my feet started to get worse while sleeping and I woke up this morning with intense sciatic nerve pain in my left calf.  Over the course of the day it spread up to my knee and down into my foot and is very painful when walking.  Touching my skin is excruciating.  Makes my leg feel like it's on fire.

And my feet are now peeling.  I've always gotten dry skin sometimes but this is not normal, definitely due to the chemo.  When I get out of the shower is when the skin peels the most.  I'll be toweling off my feet and the skin just rubs right off.  That's gross sounding, I know, but that's what it does.

I don't feel a thing when it happens.  I just rub it off until it's done peeling and then that's it.  Later in the day if I check my feet they might show a little peeling but it's rougher and dryer, so for it to come off I'd have to pull at it, snip it with clippers, or shave it down with an emery board.  Still no feeling at all.  Definitely a reaction to my therapy.

My face peels too but thank God not to that degree.  It's like when you've had a sunburn and your skin is lightly peeling and flaking.  I use Oil of Ole beauty cream or whatever it's called.  Put it on a couple times a day and you can't even tell.  I just keep checking the mirror periodically to make sure there's no flakes of skin showing.

Still no letter or pick-up notice.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2014

I've been having feet cramps a lot the last few days.  I haven't done anything in particular, so this came out of nowhere.

I picked up the prescription anti-itch cream.

I also made a surprise visit to my landlord's house.  Even though he's got a new tenant not all is finished.  He's supposed to let me know how much of my deposit I get back.  Said I'd have it no later than December 2.  But they've been ignoring my emails so I just showed up.

He acted like he had no idea why I would be ringing his doorbell.  When I asked about my deposit he said they sent a certified letter.  When I said I hadn't gotten anything and it's now past the 2nd, he said it was because they didn't know my address so they put the rental house address on it and that it had come back to them and they had to sent it back out.  (So what made them think it would work a second time if it didn't the first??) I could tell he was lying.  When I asked what I was getting back he acted like he didn't know anything about my deposit because his wife handles all that stuff.  Really?  I'm supposed to believe that they never talk about anything?

Then, despite his supposedly not knowing anything about it, as an afterthought and no very nicely he said that I forfeited my deposit by breaking my lease and that I wasn't getting anything back.  Whoa, I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction.  For one thing, I asked permission to get out of my lease and he agreed to it.  Plus, I have it in email where they said they would deduct necessary yard work and house cleaning costs from my deposit and then get the rest back to me as soon as they could "no later than December 2".  (Backpay for the water bill was to be deducted from it as well, which pretty much wipes out my entire deposit.  But that's ok, I was expecting that).

What's not ok is for him to tell me that instead of deducting it, they're going to just bill me for the work and the water bill!  He kept saying, "It's in your contract.  Read it.  Read my letter, and if you have any questions after that, call me."  Wait a sec, I thought he said he didn't know anything about any of this?  (He did.  I'm being facetious).  This is exactly why I just showed up at his door without calling.  I knew something was up.

As far as I'm concerned, that contract is now expired because of the changes we agreed to and because he's got a new tenant.  And besides, I pointed out to him that all this time, from September when I asked if he would let me out of my lease (and he said yes) until now, they said nothing about keeping the deposit but instead led me to believe we were all on the same page.

I asked him why they would purposely mislead me, literally lie to me, and he actually said, "The reason we didn't say anything was because we didn't want a confrontation."  Wow.  I'm assuming they meant that they were the ones who would be confrontational because I'm not, nor should they have reason to expect me to be.  All I did was ask a question, "Will you let me out of my lease?" Later followed by, "Can those costs be deducted from my deposit?"  As far as I'm concerned, their emails agreeing to these things overrides the rental agreement.  Being in agreement to break the lease is on both our parts.  It's what got the ball rolling.  They can't lie to me, then have me go through the move, even helping them advertise, interview tenants, and show the house, then after the fact say they didn't really agree to anything.  That's ridiculous.

And if they really want to stick to the rental agreement, then they would see that they were supposed to tally the water bill overcharges at the end of each lease each year and have me pay it then.  They didn't.  They also were supposed to get the receipts of work done along with the refund on my deposit, if any, within 45 days of my giving them the keys.  They didn't.

He also lied about having sent a letter out to me already, saying they had no idea what my new address was so they put the rental house address on it, and that it had been returned to them, and they had to mail it out again.  Why would you knowingly put the wrong address on something instead of calling, texting, or emailing for the correct address?  That makes no sense at all.  Besides, it would have gotten forwarded like all my other mail.  I even called the post office and they said mail is forwarded for up to 12 months.  

We've had a very friendly relationship the entire 6 years I've rented from them, so why on earth wouldn't they just call, text, or email me for my new address?  There's no excuse for that, other than they didn't have all their ducks in a row and didn't get everything prepared on time, and felt like they had to lie about it.  That, and they're mad they had to come up with money to pay for the work.  I have a feeling my deposit was not just sitting in the bank the past 6 years.  They probably didn't actually have my money to deduct anything from!

When it comes I'll check the sender's slip to see when it was sent.  And it'll be interesting to see what his letter actually says.  I have a feeling he was just upset and wanted to blow up at me.  Hopefully he didn't actually keep the money and is billing me too.

I haven't done anything wrong.  A conversation is a just that, a conversation.  He agreed to let me out of my lease.  I didn't hold a gun to his head.  That means we made changes to the original rental contract.  So why lie to avoid confrontation?  If we have a mutual agreement then there is nothing for anyone to get confrontational about.  At least not on my end.  But then again, I'm not the one who lied.  You can't pretend to go along with something and then turn around and say you didn't really mean it because you were just too afraid to say anything.  Unbelievable.

I played this prank on my supervisor.  We joke around a lot and the #1 rule of thumb is, if you get up and walk away, your cubical is fair game.  Over the years I've taped all her file drawers shut.  Taped everything on the top of her desk to her desk.  Switched her calendar out for an old one.  Stuck googly eyes on everything in her cubical.  Hidden her chair.  Chained all the paperclips in her paperclip cup together.  I can't tell you how many times I've set her clock back, or forward.  I've even resorted to the whoopee cushion.  I'm nearly running out of ideas but managed to come up with this one while working on a do's and don'ts list for what I can eat after my surgery.

Trust me, she's gotten me back plenty, and has made lots of jokes about the bag I'm going to be wearing after my surgery.  She deserves this one :)

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2014

Off work today so I could go to a couple appointments.  First, I had to drive David to Boulder's Fiske Planetarium for his astronomy class field trip.  He was nervous about driving himself that far in his new car so I was going to drive him today anyway, but since he spent half the night in the ER and was out on propofol getting endoscoped, I definitely needed to drive him anyway!  Good thing too because after I picked him up he wasn't feeling well and didn't feel like going back to school.

My first appointment was a follow up with Dr. Kemmis, my radiation oncologist.  I went over my list of symptoms and everything I had to mention was normal.  The vaginal drainage is lessening and most of the time there is none, but it's still normal.  The radiation and changes to my hormones affect the vaginal flora and cause this reaction, he said.  The hot flashes, normal.  He said again that at my age he believes this will be a permanent menopause for me.

Being foggy-brained, losing my balance, and not knowing what I'm doing sometimes....all normal, but probably mostly caused by lack of sleep because those darn hot flashes wake me more times a night than my newborn babies ever did!

The increase in pain?  Still normal.  I don't have pain most days but it just comes on sometimes, probably when I do too much walking.  I asked him if it's possible the tumor was growing or the cancer spreading, but he said not likely.

So it was a relief to hear everything's normal.  The nurse even told me that they wish they saw more patients like me.  Most people have so many more side effects and complaints and really do not handle it well at all.  I asked her if she meant patients with exactly my same type of cancer, stage, and treatment, and she said yes!

After that appointment I had to hurry to my next one, my primary doc, so that I could get surgical clearance.  I got an EKG, chest x-rays, urine sample, and then sent back to the hospital for blood work.  She also gave me a prescription for an anti-itch cream for a skin reaction I've had for a couple years.  My belief is it's an allergic reaction to Vicodin.  If the cream doesn't work she'll send me to a dermatologist and maybe get a biopsy.  I'm pretty sure the cream will work.  For years now whenever I take Vicodin my entire body itches.  But there's one spot on my chest that is the worst.  When I scratch it too much I get this red, dry spot.

Ever read that sheet of directions, indications, and sides effects you get when you pick up a prescription?  I do, but then again I read everything.  The first thing on the side effects list is "itching".  Yep.  The cream I'm taking for my extreme case of itching may cause itching.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2014

Tonight during dinner my son, David, got a piece of meat stuck in his esophagus where he had his surgery as a baby.  He was born with a tracheoesophageal fistula with esophageal atresia.  All those fancy long words simply mean his esophagus was not fully formed but ended in a pouch mid-chest, while the rest of the esophagus grew up from the stomach and attached itself to his trachea.  Every once in a while food gets stuck there because there's none of the normal peristalsing muscle to help move food along and scar tissue can build up and cause narrowing.

So we spent the evening in the ER, got home around 12:30 am.  Biopsies have confirmed he has Eosinophilic Esophagitis.  It can be abbreviated as EE or EoE.  We'll have to have him allergy tested to see if we can identify specific triggers, but for now we were told certain foods and medications cause narrowing of the esophagus.  I had no idea.  I always assumed his problems were caused from his surgery.

David and I have always had major medical conditions happening close to the same time.  He was born by C-section with his birth defect, and 8 months later I found out I had a tumor in my lungs which nearly made me drown in my own blood.  Then a couple years ago I needed wrist surgery, and a week later we found out David had a pilonidal cyst which required surgery.  Then in September I was diagnosed with cancer and now David has this EE.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2014

David bought himself a new car tonight!  I'm so proud of him and also very thankful he can drive himself around now.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2014

My surgery is 3 weeks from today.  Next Tuesday I’ll be seeing my radiation oncologist for a follow-up and then my primary care doctor for a surgical clearance.  I’ve been compiling a list of things to tell them:

 I’m noticing pain coming back.  It’s not too bad but it’s noticeable, and it’s the same pain that I had before I was diagnosed.  It’s a dull ache deep inside the pelvic area as if radiating toward my left-side perineum and tail bone areas.  And it gets more painful the longer I sit.

I am definitely feeling the fatigue that they warned me about.  It hits me all of a sudden to where I’m just so tired and worn out it feels like I can hardly move, and all I want to do is lie down and close my eyes.

Dr. Kemmis had said the radiation might make me go into early menopause and I think that’s exactly what’s happening to me.  I’ve been having the hot flashes for about three weeks now.  I call them heat waves! It’s the weirdest thing.  All of a sudden I feel my body become warmer, and warmer, and warmer.  It just grows like that in the span of about 10 seconds and then I’m so hot for a good 10 minutes or so.  Then it just stops and suddenly I’m shivering.  At first it was only occurring once a night.  Then a couple times a night.  Now it’s several times a night and starting to happen during the day too.

Last Wednesday I started feeling a rocking sensation.  Not dizziness or spinning, just the feeling as if I were rocking and a little floating.  And sometimes at night I wake up from another heat wave and then on the cool down I start feeling the rocking sensation, and then a feeling like I might faint, where the back of my head feels like I’m falling. It passes after a couple minutes.

Two days ago I started having some vaginal discharge.  The nurse warned me that might happen.  Well, it’s definitely happening.  I noticed some “drops” of wetness in my undies but didn’t think too much about it.  Then this morning when I got out of bed and was heading to the bathroom to get into the shower, something was running down my leg!  No kidding, that’s how much this discharge was.  I’d call it drainage!  It didn’t feel like I was peeing, it just felt like water running down my leg.  A perfect analogy is that it’s exactly like when my water broke when I was pregnant, except in  that case it was a LOT more water.  My husband kept telling me to hold it in because I was getting water all over the bed and the carpet. I told him there wasn’t any way for me to hold it in because there wasn’t anything I could clench to do that.

That’s what I mean.  Tightening my bladder muscles didn’t hold it in.  That’s why I don’t think it’s urine.  I just don’t know what it is.  I’m assuming it’s just water from my vagina, probably kind of like the water inside of a blister.  Maybe the radiation caused a bunch of blisters that are now peeling and draining out all the water??  I’m just guessing here.  I will definitely ask the radiation doc.

I went to work wearing a maxi pad and fortunately didn’t have the drainage as intense as it was this morning.  On a break at work today I walked over to the Radiation Oncology department and asked if I could go back and talk to one of the nurses about some of my symptoms.  They said sure and sent me back.

I said to the nurse, “So you said I might start having some vaginal discharge.  Could you tell me what that’s supposed to be like?”  She said it would be thin and watery but could have some gel-like substance mixed in, could be a little or a lot, maybe a slight yellow tinge, and could have a foul odor.  I said, “Well that’s exactly what I have except for the odor, thank goodness.  I thought maybe it was urine leakage but it doesn’t smell like urine.  It doesn’t smell like anything.”  She said it was just a normal side effect and that it would probably start to lessen and stop in the next few days.  She told me to wear a pad and try to determine how much fluid I think is coming out and if it increases.

I was glad to hear it was normal and that it should stop soon.  “So you're sure it’s not coming from my bladder?  She said, “It’s not from the bladder, it’s vaginal.  This is just something that happens, and it should stop soon.  But keep an eye on it if it becomes a lot and let us know if it does.  Check yourself for a fever which would be a sign of an infection.”  So, it’s kind of bothersome to have all this drainage, but the good news is it’s not due to a damaged bladder!

Yuck either way.  It’s so much wetness.  I've been running to the restroom all day.  I sure hope it stops soon.

When I started doing this blog to document my cancer it was a way for me to cope with the cancer and the changes since I didn’t know how bad it would get, but also a way to give detailed reporting to other new cancer patients who might be looking on the Internet for other people’s experiences.  So again, this is why I’m giving details.  No point in pretending.  I believe in telling it like it is.

So now let’s segue to my next symptom.  My period is about 12 days late.  When I spoke to the nurse today and mentioned this she said the same thing that Dr. Witta had told me a couple weeks ago, that where the radiation was targeted it should not have reached my ovaries.  So I told her that’s what the oncologist had said but that Dr. Kemmis (the radiation oncologist) had said that the radiation would very likely cause me to go into early menopause.  She was a little surprised and said, “Oh he said that?  Well then maybe that’s what’s happening.  But you’ll have to wait and see.  It could be possible that this is either your last period or that it’s just a temporary effect and you might get a period later on again.”

Great.  I was really starting to enjoy the notion that I wouldn’t be having any more periods!  Well, I’ll mention it to Dr. Kemmis next week and see what he thinks.  I know that no one knows for sure and that I’ll just have to wait and see.

Let’s see, what else is on that list.  Oh, I started having both a dull and a sharp pain in my right side this morning.  I’d say it’s around the right ureter area.  And then later I started having a dull ache around both my kidneys.  Definitely worth mentioning.  I’m still trying to remember to drink more water so I stay hydrated.

My fingers are doing much better, but they are still peeling and the third ends of all my fingers are smooth and still a bit swollen.  It’s like I have no grip, no tread.  Like, it’s nearly impossible to flick through papers or even turn a page in a book.  I have such little feeling in them too.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2014

I think I’m definitely having hot flashes.  I have no idea if it means actual menopause or maybe just temporary menopause until the radiation is out of my body.  My period is late by a week and that never happens.  I mark my period on my calendar and can count the days to the next one.  It’s always the same.  I always can pinpoint the day by the calendar, and down to the hour by my symptoms.  But this month I haven’t had the symptoms I normally get, and with it being a week late I’m thinking I won’t even get my period anymore.  That would be fine with me!  I finished all the antibiotics and now am no longer having any bloody pus coming out.  I wonder if that means I did have an infection or abscess?  If so, then I've had it a very long time, nearly a year off and on.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2014

It’s 4 weeks until my surgery.  The surgeon’s office called to let me know they’d received and sent back the paperwork for my short-term disability.  While I had them on the phone I asked if they’d ask the surgeon a question for me.  I wanted to know if it would be possible for him to remove my external hemorrhoids since he’d be working in that area anyway.  You know, two birds and all.

They got my surgeon, Dr. Strobos, on the phone and he explained that that wouldn’t be a good idea to do a full hemorrhoidal procedure because there isn’t much room in between the area of the hemorrhoids and the location of the tumor.  And he said, “You’re going to be in so much pain anyway and I don’t want to cause you more pain.”  (Ooh!  Not something I wanted to hear!)  He explained he'd be cutting the blood supply to them anyway and that might take care of them.  "We can see how they look later on."

It was nice of him to go out of his way and take the time to explain it all.  By the way, I don’t know if I mentioned it early on in my blog but this is the surgeon who everyone, including the first surgeon I consulted with, said is the best.  He’s the one who is certain he can eventually reattach my colon without having to leave me with a permanent colostomy bag.  Even the other surgeon admitted she wouldn’t attempt it because she isn’t sure she can do it.  Something about how few centimeters they have left to work with after cutting and removing colon and part of the rectum.  All this medical stuff is fascinating to me.  I’m just glad I’m not a doctor.  I remember asking him why he can do it when no one else can and he said, “Oh, it's just because I’ve had a lot of experience.  I've just done so many."  

By the way, to be medically and technically correct, I should explain that my type of surgery will be a "diverting ileostomy" not a colostomy.  The difference is that a colostomy is an opening for the large intestine, while an ileostomy is an opening for the small intestine.  Because my surgeon plans to reattach my colon some time after I heal from the cancer surgery, he will be making a temporary ostomy using my small intestine to expel waste.  That makes sense, giving my large intestine time to heal up.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2014

The other day I was slicing onions and it was really burning my fingers.  I had to keep stopping, shake off the pain, and suck my finger tips to ease the pain.  Finally got the onions chopped.  I won't do that again.

Then another day I was sliding off the bed and must have built up a lot of static electricity because I got one heck of a major shock on my thumb, right on the raw red tender part.  God did that ever hurt!

I found some more "finger condoms" for lack of a better term, but that's pretty descriptive isn't it?  It's exactly what they look like.  Anyway, I found a pack that I like better than the "Finger Cots" I got at Walgreens.  These new ones I found at Walmart by a brand called Flents, just called "Finger Covers".  They're better and they're cheaper too.  (Flents makes the eye glass wipes that I like and the finger splints that I wear at night for my "stenosing tenosynovitis", i.e. trigger fingers).

Anyway, I still lube up my fingers with plain ChapStick and then roll the little finger covers over and it heals me up in no time.  The only problem is, when I take them off my skin quickly dries up again, especially when I wash my hands.  I've been wearing the covers as much as I can, even out in public.  I figure it's better that way so that I'm not picking up germs and who knows what.  I sleep with them too.  I just reuse them until they wear out, then put on new ones.

It's usually worse than this.  Sometimes I have deep, wide open slivers in the creases of my fingers. The swelling has gotten a little better since I've been off the chemo.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2014

We got a little bit of a snow storm last night and today but I still wanted to go to my appointment.  I grew up in Colorado so I'm used to driving in snow, but I refuse to go more than 40 in snow.  Even that's a little too fast, but people were flying by me on the freeway!

Remember Dr. Witta called me and he said he was free at noon today?  When I showed up at my appointment I thought it was kinda funny that the receptionist told me, "He never sees anyone at noon."  I guess this was his lunch time or planning period or something, but I told her that's when he asked me to come in.

He was happy I had completed my treatment and that I was doing so well.  I told him the only real side effect was my still very dry, cracked, peeling finger tips.  I showed him.  He said that's the chemo, and that it would still last in my system probably for another three weeks or so.

He asked if he could look at me, if that was all right, and I said sure.  I knew he meant looking at my tush.  He left to get gloves and then came back in.  Instead of me pulling my pants down and then trying to get up on the table, I just hopped up there and then slid them down.  That's how much weight I've lost.  All my pants are several sizes too big now.  I need some belts!  Or new pants!

He looked surprised and said, "Oh you've lost weight!"  I was so grateful that he looked pleasantly surprised (I took that as a compliment) instead of lecturing me that I need to stop losing weight. When I first saw him, September 12, I was 144.  I can't help that I'm losing the weight.  I'm not trying to.  Honest to God, I'm the laziest person in the world and I love to eat, so I have no idea why I'm dropping so much weight.  Anyway, it was nice.

He just took a quick look at my back side where the radiation had been targeted and said there was only minimal redness but nothing concerning.  He said taking into account that I'm still having a heavy bloody-pus discharge, having hot flashes followed by chills, and still having pain, he wanted me to get on an antibiotic to be on the safe side in case I do have an infection going on in there.  He didn't want me to be going into surgery with an infection, and I agree!  I'm more than happy to take an antibiotic just in case.

He explained in detail the course of adjuvant chemotherapy that I'd receive after my surgery and the reasons for doing it and so on.  I am still totally on board with doing it.  I told him I'd have to call my insurance company to see if my getting the treatment there would be in my Tier 1 network and whether it was offered at the hospital or not.  I assume it is but I never know for sure.  Dr. Witta said he understood, but that I would need to be followed by an oncologist at the hospital if that's the way I choose to go.  I wouldn't mind being under his care for this of course, but I have to also take into consideration the cost, the drive, and the time.  His office is a lot farther away than the hospital, and he said the IV treatment would take a couple hours at a time.  I'll have to see what my options are and decide.  WEIGHT 131.5

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2014

I called my oncologist's office today to check in.  I wanted to make sure he was aware I had completed my chemo and radiation and that my surgery was scheduled now.  I also wanted to ask him some questions.  They said he'd have to call me back, and he did just a few minutes later.  He's been wonderful, always immediately on the phone with me for personal contact, very knowledgeable, and remember how he helped me with my insurance company?  I really appreciate him.

SLIGHT TANGENT HERE:  I have been so fortunate and happy for the care I've gotten so far from my entire team of docs.  I usually don't name drop but in this case they all deserve to have the recognition.  Dr. Morales did my colonoscopy and he wasn't hesitant about coming right out and saying "You definitely have colon cancer."  I'm glad he didn't shy away about admitting what he knew.  Some docs don't want to give a diagnosis without biopsies and second opinions.  I asked him what I should do, who I should see, and he said, "Call Dr. Witta, he's one of the best."  That's my oncologist.  He's warm and friendly, direct and confident, and well spoken.  And he's always made himself immediately available over the phone, which I really appreciate.

Another of my docs was Dr. Reveille, the one who went out of his way to come to my hospital and to hurry me in for the endoscopic ultrasound the day after my colonoscopy.  He was extremely friendly and I loved his confidence when he told me, "When I get in there I will know exactly what stage you're at."  He was genuinely happy that my cancer was caught fairly early and in a perfect stage for treatment and cure.

My radiation doc is Dr. Kemmis at the hospital, and he said he used to work with Dr. Witta, so that was pretty neat.  At first I thought he was too young and maybe a little arrogant because he didn't seem to have the same laid back nature that the other (older) docs had.  But I quickly came to like him.  He's sharp, and he makes me feel he knows exactly what he's doing.  I love that.  Everyone in the radiation department has been wonderful.  I love that feeling.  There's nothing worse than going in for medical treatment and not having a good feeling or rapport with the medical staff.

I have to admit that my impression of Dr. Kemmis at first was colored by the fact that he couldn't start my radiation treatment that very day.  Turns out I was the one who was a little arrogant, thinking why the hell can't they just get me started??  Why do they have to act like they can take their time, like it's no big deal??

Turns out there was a good reason I had to wait a week and a half before he could start giving me the radiation.  It takes time to get prepared for my exact dose of treatment.  He works with a team of people to get the dosing exactly right.  They worked fast and actually got me going much faster than normal.  Maybe because I work there??  Or maybe just because I continually complained that I want to be started ASAP!!  I don't know.  All I know is that every time Dr. Kemmis or Dr. Witta said, "It's ok, we have time.  It might be a few more weeks before you start radiation but that's ok.  We caught it early.  The tumor really isn't growing as fast as you think it is," I wanted to scream.  If I had to hear stuff like that one more time I didn't think I could contain myself anymore.  But Dr. Kemmis reassured me several times.  He said, "If I had cancer, I'd feel completely confident with my treatment plan because I completely understand what goes into the preparation and why it's necessary.  I wouldn't be anxious or nervous because I know exactly how your treatment is going to affect your tumor, how it's going to respond, and I know that this is completely curable."  I kinda hated myself for a little while, feeling so utterly helpless and jumpy about everything.  But once my treatment started I calmed down right away.  Because I finally knew that something was being done.

I just couldn't stand to know that I had cancer and then not be doing something about it.  It was killing me!  Every day that I had to wait was pure emotional agony for me.  That was nobody's fault but my own, and I know I felt that way simply because I had put off getting checked out.  I knew a few months after my appendicitis last year that something was wrong with me.  The bleeding, the pus discharge, the pain.  I put it off for months, telling myself I'd get checked out, but then putting it off again.  I think deep down I was afraid to find out, telling myself that if it was something really bad I'm sure I would have known.  Boy did I feel stupid for having done that.  I still regret it, even though my cancer was still caught pretty early.

SO BACK TO MY REPORT ON TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, ON THE PHONE WITH DR. WITTA:  I wanted to ask some questions.  I told him that lately I've been waking up in the middle of the night feeling feverish but I check and there's no fever.  But I'm so hot I have to get up and walk around, but then I come back to bed with chills.  I asked if I might be having hot flashes and going through early menopause.  (Dr. Kemmis, the radiation doc, said the radiation could cause that).  But Dr. Witta said he didn't think so because the radiation shouldn't have reached my ovaries, that at least it shouldn't be affecting me this quickly.  He asked me questions and said he wanted to see me tomorrow if that was ok because he was concerned I have an infection or abscess. He said, "I'm free tomorrow at noon."

SIDE NOTE:  For all my friends out there who share many of my same spiritual beliefs, some of you told me plain and straight that I was wrong for pursuing chemo and radiation in lieu of choosing to fight the cancer with alternative medicine through diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes.  But I feel completely confident with my decision.  I'm not a doctor but I love medicine.  And I am totally engrained in my belief and confidence in western medicine, and I stand by my attitude of being right on board with my doctors' course of treatment.  It always felt right for me from the beginning and it still does.  I know I'm not all the way through it yet, but I have so much faith in these guys that they know what they're doing.  I have a way (as everyone does) of checking myself against my own sense of inner spiritual guidance, and I feel as confident as these docs do that things are moving along exactly as they are supposed to.  I know I'm doing the right thing for me.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2014

The fatigue is really hitting me now.  I called in sick to work this morning because over the weekend I was feeling continuously more and more run down.  I had a bad night's sleep, waking every couple hours feeling like I was feverish but not having a fever.  I could hardly get out of bed this morning.  Of course my supervisor said it was fine for me to stay home.  I was planning on taking off Tuesday and Wednesday anyway, and she said that was fine too.  So now I have the rest of the week off work until Saturday.  Yay!  I really need to get some rest.

I called the surgeon's office to see about scheduling my surgery since I haven't heard from them yet.  They set me up for Monday, December 15, 2014.  I'm getting nervous as it gets closer.  I'm never in the mood for another surgery.  

I stopped taking the Phenazopyridine pills because I'm no longer having any urinary tract pain or irritation.  I'm still drinking my diet soda.  So maybe now that the radiation is over with the irritation cleared up.  Anyway, I didn't see the point in finishing out the prescription since I'm not having any more irritation.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2014

Today is my son's 19th birthday and he wanted to go out to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings.  Hot wings are one of my favorites but I prefer CD's Wing's to B-Dubs.  I had the garlic parmesan wings, could only eat 5 of them, and the hotness of the wings plus the spicy sauce really killed my finger tips which are still raw.  It's not easy to eat wings with a fork so I suffered through it, ha ha.  I love wings. Usually I can eat twice that much, but I think I filled up too much on fries because I was stuffed.  I ordered 5 more of the mild wings to take home for tomorrow.  Still not as good as CD's Wings.

LAST DAY OF RADIATION

Monday, November 3, 2014

Yay!  Today was my final day of chemo and radiation.  After my appointment today they gave me a "Certificate of Merit & Perfect Attendance" that said:  Be it declared that Vicky Short has completed the prescribed course of radiation therapy with the highest degree of courage, determination, and good nature.  We appreciate the confidence placed in us and the opportunity to serve you."  It was signed by all the docs, nurses, and techs.  I thought that was pretty cute and fun that they did that.  Here's a pic of me!

Then I saw the nurse who takes my vitals once a week.  I noticed my blood pressure has been lower than normal, so now it's actually normal.  My weight has come down a little again.  Everything else is normal and good.  She explained again that I'd start feeling more fatigued now that the treatment was finished due to the accumulation of all the radiation in me now.  The fatigue, she said, could last for a few weeks but since I've been so far tolerating everything so well, hopefully I wouldn't have any trouble with my bowels.

She also told me to continue with the Phenazopyridine pills at least another week or so.  I'm still having some urinary tract discomfort but I honestly think it's more due to caffeine than the radiation.  If I drink water, then the next time I pee it's fine, but when I have diet soda it really hurts to pee.

I then saw my dietitian and she gave me some notes on what to eat or avoid after surgery and said I could call her any time with any questions I had.  I'm supposed to avoid raw fruits and veggies, especially anything with a peel.  Even grapes.  I noticed that the last time I had a salad, which I thought would be fine, I ended up with diarrhea.  Not supposed to have too much grains or fiber. And again she reminded me to eat small amounts of food several times a day instead of a meal or meals.  I still haven't been doing that.  I typically feel pretty good just eating dinner, and I usually eat a normal-sized meal.  I know I won't be able to do that after the surgery, but I figure I may as well enjoy eating now while I still can.

My radiation doc was on vacation, but last week he said he'd let the rest of the docs on my cancer team know I had completed the therapy and they'd get me scheduled for my surgery soon.  I'm a little nervous thinking about the upcoming surgery, but I'm really relieved to be finished with the chemo pills.  They make my mouth so dry and leave a weird taste on my tongue.  I wonder how long the effects of the chemo will be in my system.  WEIGHT 135.4 

27th DAY OF RADIATION

Friday, October 31, 2014

I started having a pinching, cramping pain on my right side low in my abdomen, and it started getting worse after my radiation appointment, creeping around my side to my kidney and then another sharp pain in my anal area.  I started feeling very run down today and very sleepy.

26th DAY OF RADIATION

Thursday October 30, 2014

Good news!!  My landlord called me today to let me know they'd found a new tenant for November 1st.  Wow, down to the last minute.  I had assumed it wasn't going to happen.  What a huge relief emotionally and financially to know that I'd made the right decision to move early and to know I can start paying some of my medical bills.
WEIGHT 132.8

25th DAY OF RADIATION

Wednesday October 29, 2014

Today was my last day of the regular radiation treatments, and tomorrow would start three days of coned-down treatments.  Boosters.  That means they'd be targeting a smaller area more specifically the last three days of treatment.

It went by fast today.  I fell asleep.  I usually do fall asleep during the treatment even though it's very uncomfortable.  But I've been so tired lately mostly from not getting a full night's sleep anymore.  Lately I've been up more than usual throughout the night.  Usually it's to pee, but lately my bowels have been irritated and making me have frequent bowel movements.  Over the weekend I had diarrhea first thing in the morning Saturday and going on until the afternoon.  Then I was completely back to normal.  I've also been passing a lot more mucus than normal.

My bloody-pus balls have morphed into dark red stringy mucus blobs.  It looks different than before.  It looks really weird.  If you've read my entire blog you know I overshare and get very detailed.  So listen, this isn't pleasant but I had to do it to find out.  One of these enormous mucus-passing episodes looked so odd and gross I thought for a second I may have passed a large quantity of parasitic worms.  I'm not being sarcastic here!  Really, I mean it.  I was so concerned at the odd appearance and sudden change in my "bloody pus balls" that I'd been used to, that I had no choice but to reach into the toilet bowl with my hand and scoop out all the material to see what in the heck it really was.  I placed it onto a dry washcloth.  It was nothing but stringy-looking mucus.  Just like a huge pile of the grossest looking snot you have ever seen.  I know, that's gross.  But hey, at least it wasn't really parasitic worms.  (I decided not to try and take a photo of it.  That's too gross.  My advice is that if you have weird stuff coming out, just call and make an appointment!  Don't assume it's normal).  Yes, I threw the washcloth away.

The Phenazopyridine really does make you pee orange, like Kool-Aid orange.  So far it's not really helping with the pain and discomfort.  It might take a couple days.  I've been having some mild pain in my tail-bone area on the inside, but it doesn't last long.  Sometimes I get cramps at night when I lay on my side in bed.  But other than that I feel fine.

Today the nurse told me that now that I'm nearly done with the radiation, I'll probably start feeling more fatigued in the next few weeks because of the build-up of radiation in my body.  The pain should be lessening though.  She also said my labs looked very good.  They had been a little low but have now come up almost to normal.  So that was good to hear.  Oh, and I was told I should expect to see even more mucus-passing in the weeks to come.  Yippie! (Not).

24th DAY OF RADIATION

Tuesday October 28, 2014

Today I had to do lab work again, a blood draw for a CBC (complete blood count).  And since it's Tuesday they did x-rays again.

The nurse told me that I did have a few white cells in my urine but that it wasn't enough for an actual infection.  So she gave me the prescription for the Phenazopyridine.  It would be three pills a day.  And they would turn my urine a deep orange color.

I also found out today that the hospital would resubmit one of my medical claims.  I'd been trying for weeks to get them to fix one of my medical bills.  My medical insurance is squirrely and not even Cigna fully knows how it is supposed to work.  I've learned, and I always make sure I'm billed correctly.

I couldn't get the doctor's office or Cigna to understand why it was billed wrong, to verify it, nor fix it.  I finally got in touch with a benefits analyst at the hospital to look into it, and they got back to me saying that I was correct, that the procedure would be "pulled into Tier 1", and that the claim would be resubmitted.  It meant a difference of $180 to me.  This is why I scrutinize my claims to make sure I'm being billed correctly.  There are ALWAYS mistakes.  In the past I've had all my claims audited just to look for erroneous charges.  My oncologist's office had also overcharged me, saying I had a $75 copay that I later came to find out should have only been $20!  Got that straightened out a couple weeks ago.  Glad this one finally got fixed too.

Yay, small victory today!

23rd DAY OF RADIATION

Monday October 27, 2014

Today they had me using their older radiation machine since they were doing a special procedure for someone else on the other machine.  This machine looked the same but wasn't completely automated, so it meant that the techs had to do a few manual steps throughout the procedure.  It didn't take too much longer than normal.

Then I met with the dietitian since it's Monday.  As soon as she saw me she said, "How are you doing?  You look great.  You look like you always have so much energy."  I told her that I just try my best to hold it together and do what I have to do.  My weight today was 133.1.  It's been like that.  A little up, a little down, but it's basically in the same area.  But again, she talked to me about trying not to lose more weight so that I can be strong for my surgery.  It's inevitable I'll be losing weight during that time.  She asked me, "Are you eating?"

If she knew what I eat and how much she'd be telling me not to eat that much and to stop eating what I'm eating.  I admit I get a very rumbly tummy from the things I eat, but sometimes it's worth it.  I figure, I can eat now.  I won't be able to eat like this at surgery time and probably not for several weeks after.  I have no idea what to expect with having a colostomy bag.  I imagine I will find out quickly what foods to avoid!

After meeting with the dietitian I saw the nurse who takes my pulse, temp, and blood pressure once a week, usually on Wednesdays.  But this week my radiation doc is going on vacation so we were doing these things today.

Then I got to see my radiation doc.  He said I'm doing really very well for how far into the treatment I am.  I told him I'd been having some pain in my urethra and thought I may have a urinary tract infection, so he had me give a urine sample.  He said if it is an infection he would give me an antibiotic, but if it wasn't then he would give me Phenazopyridine which would calm the irritation of my urinary tract.  It's very common with radiation in the area of the colon for it to irritate the urinary tract.  He also told me that next Monday, November 3, would be my final day of chemo and radiation.  Wow, it has really gone by fast.  WEIGHT 133.1

21st DAY OF RADIATION

Thursday October 23, 2014 

Nothing very eventful today.  I'm nearing the end of my chemo and radiation treatment.  28 doses will be the total.  The end of phase I.  The next phase will be when I go in for surgery.  I'm only a little bit nervous about that but I know it's completely necessary.  

I remember a couple years ago when I finally got around to planning having carpal tunnel surgery.  I'd put it off as long as I could.  I knew I would take a small financial hit for it, being on short-term disability and getting less pay, but I had planned for it so it was ok.  Then a week after my surgery we learned that my son David would need surgery!  Ugh!  Why do things always work out that way?  We discovered he had a pilonidal cyst that we caught fairly early, but surgery was necessary and urgent.  Another medical financial hit.  

The following year, last year, I swore I wouldn't have another surgery nor anything big medically, but just to be on the safe side I made good choices for my medical coverage.  Then I got the appendicitis.  Ugh!  Another surgery.  After that I told myself, Ok, that's gotta be it for a while.  I'm young and healthy and I need a break from the big stuff.  Then this year comes along.  Yep, I got cancer.  OMG!  It's frustrating not being in power of your health in the grand scheme of things.  I was only 43, didn't know I had a polyp for God only knows how long, and that one polyp decided to turn into cancer.  I wonder what the odds are on that.  I wish our healthcare system was actually more focused on preventative maintenance and medicine.  I think colonoscopies should be moved from age 50 to 40.  And mammograms should be at 30.  Maybe the odds are greater that polyps turn into cancer more after the age of 50, but because it can happen younger than that, that's enough reason to do checks earlier!  That's what preventative means!  

I better not come up with any more diseases or surgeries next year, so help me.  If they keep removing body parts from me, soon there won't be anything left :)   WEIGHT 132.8

20th DAY OF RADIATION

Wednesday October 22, 2014

My period started last Sunday, and on last Wednesday when I saw my radiation oncologist doctor I mentioned that my period was very light, when typically it's quite heavy the first few days.  He said that the radiation would sterilize me and lead me into an early menopause, so he wasn't surprised.  I remember him mentioning that the first day we met, but I could tell that now with him bringing it up again he was trying to be sensitive to how that might make me feel.  I reassured him that I couldn't care less.  "Hey, I've done my part.  I've had my babies.  I'm done producing humans!"  Then my period went on to continue for 9 days!  It finally stopped yesterday.  

The sloughing of dead tumor material seems to be coming more frequently.  This morning when I got up for work I could tell that I needed to pass some.  My gut hurts a certain way and I can tell that tissue is falling off.  I have to push as if having a bowel movement to push it out, and it's only tumor material (not feces) that comes out.  Sometimes it's only a few small pebble sized blobs, but sometimes it's as much as half a handful of material.  I realize now that this material is what I was noticing coming out of me since last December, what I called the "bloody pus balls".  Back then they were more white pus-like blobs with a little blood inside them.  Now they are more completely reddish-pink blobs, but I can tell they have the same material makeup.  Now I know what they are---the sloughing off of dead tissue from the chemo/radiation treatment.

Back as far as 9 months ago I suspected this material was some kind of "sloughing off" of something but I never realized nor suspected cancer.  Maybe I'll consider somehow getting a photo of it to post on here.  Not to be gross, but to be informative.  Honestly.  If there is someone out there who could see this material and who realizes they are seeing themselves passing the same kind of thing, it would be extremely beneficial in informing them of what they have and to seek medical attention sooner than I did.

I can't tell you how many Google search attempts I made trying to find out what in the hell was coming out of me.  For all my descriptive combinations of attempts, the only information on the Internet I could find was along the lines of "Blood in your stools may be a sign of cancer."  Well that was nonhelpful because I didn't have blood in my stools, not that I could see.  I had these weird blobs of bloody-pus-like material coming out of me.  A photo of exactly what I was experiencing was what I was looking for.  Imagine a fluffy homemade dumpling that is floating in broth, and the edges look a little fraying, with a red tinge in the middle.  These were coming out periodically for months, about the size of a garbanzo bean.

Anyway, so it's not alarming to be passing all this dead tissue now.  It means my treatment is doing its job.  I suppose the reason it was sloughing off months ago is just because tissue inside me was being destroyed by the cancer and falling off.  Now the radiation is causing it to slough off even faster.  That's great!  I'm interested to see how much of the tumor (or how little of the tumor) is left after my treatment and before surgery.  I don't know if they'll take another look inside me before surgery or just wait til surgery to see what's left in there.  Someone asked me if the tumor shrinks enough to where it's gone, does it mean I still have to have surgery.  The answer is, I still need surgery.  And I still want surgery!  You can't see every single cell, and you don't want anything to be missed that could start growing again.

I still have the dry-mouth side effect from my chemo pills.  But after I drink a glass or two of water I'm fine.  I just need to remember to do that several times a day.  I usually don't remember until I feel the dry mouth.

The Aquaphor isn't helping much.  I like Chap Stick more.  My dry, cracked finger tips are improving because I'm constantly putting lip balm on them.  I can tell now that this side effect is from the chemo and not just because of the weather or from last week's cleaning frenzy.  My radiation doc looked at my fingers and said it's definitely from the Xeloda.  The skin on several of my fingertips has peeled off several layers down to very red, tender skin that sometimes bleeds.  It's extremely sensitive and painful to the touch.  If I let them go without the lip balm, the edges of the peeled skin starts to dry and get hard, you're temped to want to peel it off, but that causes even more pain and worsening.

So what I've been doing is using an emery board to swiftly shave off that dry, stiff skin to where the surface of my fingertips is smooth----and yes it really hurts to do that, but it's worth it.  And then I apply the lip balm.  It means I can't touch anything unless I don't mind getting lip balm on everything I touch (keyboard, cell phone, etc) but I just apply it several times a day when I can sit and not have to be doing anything that requires fingertips.  I do things differently to accommodate this.  Like, you can drive with keeping your fingers pointed in the air.  And I use a stylus on my cell phone.  But the keyboard...I have to use my tips for that.  Typing is slower because it really hurts.  But if I have to mess up the balm or wash my hands after doing something, then as soon as I'm done I apply the balm again.  It works incredibly well.  The deep cracks are healing.  The new skin is building up and being less sensitive.  I'm not bleeding anymore.  WEIGHT 134.6

19th DAY OF RADIATION

Tuesday October 21, 2014

Tuesdays I go in to the lab for blood work.  And at my radiation appointment I get x-rays.  WEIGHT 134.6

18th DAY OF RADIATION

Monday October 20, 2014

The gals at my radiation oncology center make my day, and I only see them a few minutes.  Everyone is so fun and friendly and we joke a lot.  The routine has become so normal for me that it's hardly a big deal anymore going in for it, except that it's an interruption in my day especially when it's my day off work.  But I'm no longer nervous.  The hard table isn't annoying anymore because the 15 or 20 minutes I'm in there is so routine that it just flies by.  I mostly just focus on the music playing on a portable stereo they have in the room.  About three to three and a half songs and my radiation treatment is done.

My dietitian reminded me to be drinking a lot of water to stay hydrated.  I mentioned that I've noticed some pain with urination and it feels like I can't get it to come out.  She said if it continues then I need to mention it to the nurses tomorrow.  She also keeps mentioning that she doesn't want me losing any more weight so that I can be strong for my surgery.  I'll be losing enough weight from the surgery, so she doesn't want me to be underweight then.  I haven't been trying to lose weight, it's just from how busy I've been, on my feet constantly for several days now trying to get everything moved and get the house cleaned.  Now I'm living out of boxes until everything gets unpacked and in place, so it's been pretty hectic lately.  I'm feeling so frazzled.  But I'm eating enough.  When things settle down I'll better be able to take her advice and eat little snacks throughout the day rather than a big meal for dinner.  WEIGHT 134.8

17th DAY OF RADIATION

Friday October 17, 2014

I'm now more stressed out about the move and hoping my landlord finds a new renter by November 1st than I am about my cancer and my treatment.  I'm trying to stay positive, and it's really helped to be so physically active and busy that I have no time to dwell or worry, but I can't help worrying.  I hope I've made the right decision by doing this move at this time.  The kids are handling it very well and they keep telling me to stop worrying about this decision because it was the best thing I could do financially.  As soon as a new tenant is found I'll feel relief knowing that I can begin to recover financially.  It's only been about 5 weeks since my cancer diagnosis and already my medical bills are close to a couple thousand.  WEIGHT 132.8

15th DAY OF RADIATION

Wednesday October 15, 2014

Today my radiation doc pointed out I'm just past halfway in my treatment course.  I can't believe it's gone by this fast.

I'm still not seeing much in the way of side effects except for the continued dry mouth, but all I do is down a couple big glasses of water and I'm fine.  I'm not having the dizziness (or the lights) anymore.  I've noticed that my finger tips are very numb to where I can barely feel anything that I touch.  My finger tips feel fat but they look normal, except for some peeling and cracking skin.  But with all the cleaning work I've been doing on the house, I can't blame the skin problem on only the treatment.  One of my radiation techs gave me a bunch of samples of Aquaphor.  It's similar to Vaseline.  My radiation doc says I'm doing very well.  WEIGHT 135

14th DAY OF RADIATION

Tuesday October 14, 2014

Today I moved my radiation appointment to 9:45 am so that I could take David to school (college), then go to the hospital, stop by for blood work, then go to my rad appointment.  It worked out great. Then I was able to focus on my day of more cleaning.  

13th DAY OF RADIATION

Monday October 13, 2014

I was off this weekend for the move and also took this Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off so I could concentrate on getting everything moved, then clean, clean, clean!  So I've been busy cleaning the house all day and had to take a mid day break to shower and then go to my radiation appointment. It’s like, these appointments mess up anything else I’m doing, but then again I’m not complaining. It’s just that I’m so busy these days it’s hard to focus on my personal needs.  The dietitian was a tiny bit concerned that I’ve lost 2 pounds again.  But I told her it’s the move and that I’m constantly on my feet walking.  WEIGHT 136.4.

12th DAY OF RADIATION

Friday, October 10, 2014

Tomorrow is the day of the big move, where several friends have volunteered to come help.  U-Haul, storage unit, pickup trucks, loads to the Good Will.  It will be a busy day.  I scheduled Comcast today to come to Mom's and transfer my service to her house and to install a TV cable in one room and Internet cable in another.  Comcast was sucking more than usual today.  Weeks ago when I scheduled the transfer I was told to pick when I wanted my service changed so I picked the 10 am to 12 pm slot.  Of course that means they turn off your connection at 1 am, not 10 am and that I was supposed to just magically know that.  Of course it would have been nice had I been informed that that's how it works.  And of course the Comcast technicians two boys who looked no more than 18 years old) showed up at 12:30 pm instead of anywhere between 10 and 12 like they were supposed to.  They were still at Mom’s house when it was time for me to leave for my radiation treatment, so I called and asked if I could come an hour later.  It was fine.  It was good I stayed because now we have the new “cloud” DVRs and the X1 something or other.  Anyway, it’s all new to me and they had to give me a tutorial on how to operate the TV.

When I got to my appointment a woman was also waiting for radiation.  I could tell she had breast cancer since she was wearing a gown.  (All I have to do is pull my pants and undies down).  She asked me how I was handling everything and if the treatment was making me tired.  I told her how I was in the middle of moving and that I didn’t have time to even think about my cancer or treatment, and that I can’t really tell which is making me more tired.  I think it’s good that I’m so busy and keeping my mind off my health, but on the other hand I really do need to be taking more care of myself right now.  I know that I’m overdoing it.

Anyway, the woman was visibly still upset about her diagnosis, having already had surgery and now going through the chemo/radiation part.  We realized we'd been diagnosed pretty close to the same time.  Then she asked if I'd told anyone yet about my cancer, and I said, "I tell everybody."  She was surprised.  She said it took her a long time to even discuss it with her family, and that she doesn't want everyone she knows to know about it.  She said it's just too weird letting anyone know what she's going through.  I could tell she was still where I used to be in my fear of it all.  So I said, "I've found that mentioning it to anyone, even strangers, brings out a natural response of kind words of comfort.  It's painful and brings on the tears, but eventually your fear breaks down and you find it easier to accept the kindness and the comfort.  It helps bridge the gap of your old identity and your new present one.  No matter what, you need to make peace with it inside yourself, so every little bit of comfort really goes a long way toward that."  It really felt like what I said helped her.  I hope so.

10th DAY OF RADIATION

Wednesday October 8, 2014.

I was upped from 2 pills of the Xeloda twice a day seven days a week, to 3 pills twice a day Monday through Friday.  I asked why and the oncology doc said that this is my max dose, that he started me low to see how I was tolerating it, and that since I was tolerating it extremely well it was time to up me to the max.  I hope I don’t now start seeing side effects!  So far the only real side effect has been having such a dry mouth.  Oh, and I did have a couple bouts of diarrhea, but only one time each and then the rest of the day I was fine.  I don’t think it had anything to do with what I’ve been eating, although I’m still eating actual meals even though I’ve been told to eat only small snacks.   I can’t help it, I’m starving.  With all the packing, moving, and now cleaning, I’m so hungry by the end of the day and it feels good to eat up a solid meal.  Weight 138.6

I was informed that my insurance finally approved my chemo pills but that my copay would be $250 after they calculated exactly how many pills I’d need now on my new dose.

When I saw my radiation doc today I told him about the "lights" and the dizziness.  He said it's definitely due to dehydration, that when the body is dehydrated, the brain isn't getting enough blood upon standing so it causes the dizziness.  And the lights were probably due to twitching in my eye muscles.  He said I need to definitely be drinking lots of water.  WEIGHT 138.6

8th DAY OF RADIATION

Monday, October 6, 2014

I have been very dehydrated, to the point of nearly passing out when I stand up. I realize it now.  All I need to do is remember to drink lots of water throughout the day and the dizziness subsides.  Tonight I got up to check my email, was fine, then came back downstairs and sat down and noticed there were lights dancing around the living room.  I said to the kids, "What in the world is that?  What's happening, do you see that?"  My kids told me it was just me, that there wasn't anything there.  I could see lights zooming across the walls and ceiling.  After about 10 seconds it quit, and I realized it wasn't real.

My dietitian says it's ok if my weight only goes up or down a couple pounds, and that any little loss should be due to burning fat rather than muscle wasting.  I assured her that I eat, eat, eat, and that the weight loss (from my original 140) has been due to being in my feet all day.  I didn't tell her that I was 144 in September.  I was even as much as 155 last summer.  I can't say for sure the weight loss since then was due to cancer.  It's more likely that it was due to the fact that I had a lot of pain most days and found I wasn't able to eat like I normally used to.  WEIGHT 137.7

THIS WEEK'S UPDATES

I didn't take daily notes this entire week so it's a blur now.  I've been packing, selling my furniture, taking emails and calls about the rental house and setting up showings, and trying to keep the house presentable while doing it all.  It's weird not having my couch to sit on.  I was really gonna miss my little house but with all this chaos I'm just eager to get out now.  I'm so tired, but on the other hand all this physical activity is great for my diabetes and blood pressure, not to mention the good brain chemicals.  I actually feel pretty good, aside from being wiped out each evening.

7th DAY OF RADIATION

Friday October 3, 2014

I really had my mind set on getting a lot of packing done today but I ended up being extremely dizzy all day long.  Each time I got up and walked, the room would spin and I'd have to stand still and hold onto something until it subsided.  I wonder if it's the Xeloda pills?  I also noticed that the pills are making my mouth feel so dry.  It lasts for several hours and then goes away, but by then it's time to take the second set.  I take two pills in the morning and two in the evening.  I think those are the only side effects I'm having right now.

My radiation treatment today went fine, didn't take too long.  Another friend came by this afternoon to buy my Elliptical Trainer and my 9-foot Christmas tree.  I'm trying to sell all the things that I can't take with me when we move.  Plus I could use the extra money.  She liked them but couldn't get them into her car and planned to come back on Saturday with her dad's truck.  

I noticed that I've hit my out-of-pocket maximum on my health insurance.  Too bad this cancer didn't get caught earlier in the year for that reason alone!  But I'm calculating the days of my treatment and seeing that it's definitely feasible for me to have my colon surgery before the end of the year.  With 28 doses of radiation, then waiting 6 weeks, that puts me at December 15th.  If I can get the surgery before the new year at least it will be paid for!  I hate that insurance always changes with the new year.  And as usual, premiums are going up, co-pays are going up, and deductibles and out-of-pocket maximums are going up.  It's so unfair.  It makes it so you can never get much advantage.  By the time you're close, it's the end of the year.  And the raise I make each year gets eaten up by the increase in my insurance premium!  It's so frustrating.  I am definitely going to talk to all my docs on my cancer team and make sure they get me scheduled for surgery and out of the hospital before the end of the year.

6th DAY OF RADIATION

Thursday October 2, 2014

It was another busy and overwhelming day.  It's been like that the last two weeks since I decided to move.  Having all these appointments, trying to pack, working full time, and keeping the house in show-home appearance has all been so overwhelming.  I haven't had time to adequately take care of myself, but on the other hand it's been nice to be busy and focus on things that I can get done and can control.  I still feel a lot of relief now that my chemo and radiation are underway because it lets me know that we're doing something about the cancer.  The wait is the hard part.  This long process ahead of me is hard too.  But I'm keeping my focus on the end result.  

So today I had to take my mom to the hospital so she could have a bronchoscopy.  Her doc had incidentally found a spot in her left lung this summer while she was in the hospital having her hip replaced.  Then he found another spot.  Last week she had a PET-CT which lit up and now she was to have this bronchoscopy.  I picked her up at 7:30 in the morning and got her to the hospital.  Then I drove back home to get the kids to school.  Abby's a senior in high school and David a freshman in college.  I like to joke with my kids all the time.  I teased them at the beginning of the school year by saying, "Hey Abby, you're finally higher than David.  You're a senior and he's only a Freshman.  And guess what?  You and Grandma now have something in common!"  Ha ha.  (One thing I really want to aim for soon is getting the kids a car.  It's getting to be too much for me to be driving all over the place every day). 

So I got the kids to school and then came back home to take a shower.  I had time to do a little straightening up of the house and a little packing, but then I had to head back to the hospital.  I had arranged to move my radiation appointment for 10:45 am instead of 1:45 pm, so that afterwards I could just go pick up Mom.  Her bronchoscopy was supposed to be done around 11:00 am.  

My radiation appointment went fine, didn't take too long, and I wasn't uncomfortable.  I still didn't have any more abdominal pain.  When I went to find Mom they couldn't locate her!  It took about 20 minutes before they finally realized where she was.  She was doing great after her procedure and was able to be taken home at about 11:45.  I took her back to my house and she laid on the couch and watched TV and doze.  I had to pick up Abby from school at 2:30.  An old friend was coming by to take a look at the house at 3:30 because she and her husband are looking for a place to rent.  By 4 pm it was time to go pick up David from college.  On the way back we took Mom home since she was feeling better and wanted to be in her own home.  

The kids and I stopped at King Soopers to get dinner makings.  I was craving making bacon cheeseburgers so that's what we did.  It really hit the spot.  I know I shouldn't be eating a big meal but I really love food and have been food-deprived for a couple months now.  It really was a good burger.  The kids and I didn't get any more packing done that day.  Days like this with all this running around, I just can't get anything accomplished that I need to.  

5th DAY OF RADIATION

Wednesday October 1, 2014  

My radiation appointment wasn't as long today.  One of the nurses let me know that each week I'd need to go get lab work done so they could keep an eye on my blood counts, and that I could do it whenever was convenient for me.  I decided that Tuesdays would be my lab days. 

They also had me meet with my radiation oncologist doc after my appointment and he said he'd meet with me each Wednesday to see how I'm doing.  He said the results of my ultrasound were all clear, nothing to worry about.  So that was good.  I let him know I'd been having abdominal pain, but that I'd also been eating more normal since I started feeling better last week.  He said it's still a little too early for it to be due to the radiation yet, but that in time I would be feeling more pain because of it.  We talked about my slowed bowel movements and how that was likely causing me pain because of how large the tumor is and taking up a lot of room in there.  I told him I'd been using Miralax and that it helped, and he said to continue doing that.  I didn't have as much pain today.  He gave me a pep talk and said that I was doing great so far.  WEIGHT 139.7

4th DAY OF RADIATION

Today is Tuesday September 30, 2014.  I had my radiation at my normal scheduled time today, 1:45.  I like that because I get to leave work early and just go home afterwards.  They called me in right as I got there today but my appointment took a little longer than usual because they wanted to do some more x-rays.  Tuesdays will be x-ray days. 

For some reason they didn't have me positioned exactly correctly and they had to stop the machine and come in and reposition me.  A few minutes after starting again, they stopped, came back in, and then repositioned me again.  Finally it was correct and the machine went through its rounds and finished with me.  But the whole process of x-rays plus all the extra repositionings made it extra long.  I didn't get out of there until 2:20.  That was a really long time to be laying in that uncomfortable position.  

On the drive home my abdomen started really hurting.  It was a pain I'd never had before.  There was just this generalized ache in my entire abdomen, not like I felt as if I'd be sick but just an icky feeling.  All I wanted to do was go home and lie down.  But I had to pick up Abby from high school.  Then we stopped by home so I could grab the child support check to deposit.  We drove to the bank, and I took out my rent payment (hopefully my last rent payment since we will be moving in October!).  Then we had to drop off a couple of David's rented college books at the UPS store.  Then over to King Soopers to get a few things.  Then up to the college to pick up David.  Then home.  I got dinner into the oven and then noticed I had a message from a pharmacy in Boulder saying that they were working with my insurance to get something approved.  I called my oncologist's office to ask if that was about my chemo pills, the Xeloda.  I was told that they were having trouble getting my insurance to approve and cover the pills, but that they were working on it.  "Don't worry, we'll fix this.  They can't deny this, you need it, so we'll get this straightened out.  I'll call you in a few days."  After that I had to get all the set-up for giving David a hair cut.  I've been cutting his hair for years now, saves me a lot of money.  And I do a really great job!

By the time I got done with David's head and beard my gut was hurting so badly I could barely walk, but a mom's work is never done.  I am always happy to be taking care of my kids.  That's what I'm here for.  So finally around 5:30 I got to just sit on the couch with a heating pad on my belly.  

3rd DAY OF RADIATION

Today is Monday, September 29, 2014.  I don't have radiation on the weekends, so that's why today is my third dose, but I still take the chemo pills.  This morning at work I got a call from the radiation department asking if I could come in early today for my treatment because someone else was having a special procedure done before my scheduled time and they thought it might run late.  Since I was already scheduled to have the ultrasound (to rule out a possible blood clot) at 10:45, I said I could come in at 10:15.  

Lucky for me I have such a great job that they can accommodate me this way.  I left my desk at about 10:10 and walked over to the radiation oncology department.  They remembered I was uncomfortable before, so today they worked on positioning me better.  It was just a matter of moving the face rest so that it wasn't pressing on my throat.  Having it press on my cheeks is only slightly better.  It's just not a comfortable nor natural position to be in.  My arms have to be raised forward and there's an open space below the face rest where my hands can sit.  But the table I lay on is so hard.  There's a hard board running under my shoulders and collar bone, and then one under my pelvic bones.  But all in all, today was much better. 

After my radiation I got to meet with a dietitian and she said we'd meet every Monday.  She asked how I was feeling and I told her I'd been having a lot of stomach pain, where it feels like everything just closed shop and stopped working in there.  I told her I had only been eating one small meal a day.  She said she wanted me to try eating little snacks throughout the day instead of even a small meal, and she gave me a list of healthy snack ideas.  

After that I walked through the hospital over to Registration and sat and waited for my ultrasound.  There was a middle-aged man in a wheelchair also waiting.  He made a comment about a couple little girls who were running around, something like he was enjoying their energy.  I got up and sat next to him so I could hear him better and because he looked like a nice person to talk to.  I figured we could chat.  And we did.  He was instantly warm and friendly and we chatted about why we were each there.  He gave me a pep talk, the usual I get from everybody, that I'm young and will be able to beat my cancer.  

Then he said, "You also have three people watching over you."  No wonder I had a feeling I would like talking to him.  I said, "Are you psychic?"  And he said yes, he was a psychic medium.  I told him that I too am psychic and have been studying my own abilities for years now.  I said to him, "You know, I've had psychic awareness of other medical issues with me but I never had any idea that I had cancer.  Out of all them this was the biggest and I can't believe I didn't know it."  He said maybe it was because those incidents were not life threatening, and that he never could get psychic information on himself, only other people.  I guess I know what he means.  At first I was so angry about having cancer and afraid of dying young.  I couldn't believe that that was what was meant for me.  In the first few days after my diagnosis I learned it doesn't have to be that way because my cancer was not only treatable but also curable.  I quickly made peace within myself about it.  For whatever reason, this is what I'm going through right now in my life.  Instead of placing my conscious focus in a state of anger and worry, I've switched gears to focusing on the here and now.  Whatever I gotta do to get through this.  That's my focus.  

I asked him what he meant that there were three people watching over me, and he began to tell me that one of them was my great great grandmother.  Just then one of the registration people came over to call him into the office, and I said, "Wait!  I want to still talk with you.  Do you have an email address?"  And he said it for me and I went to the registration desk to borrow a pen to write it down.  That was pretty neat, running into someone with my abilities.  People don't normally just talk so openly that way.  

My ultrasound experience was relaxing.  Got to lay on a table in a semi-dark room while the technician rubbed the transducer up and down my leg with all that gel.  I could have gone to sleep!  Even though she tucked a towel around my undies to keep them from getting gel on them, I was left with splooges of gel on them.  I walked back toward my office and stopped in the restroom to try to clean up a little bit.